Tarot Too Far?

This is the thirteenth in a series of guest blog posts by up-and-coming author, Suzanne Hersey. Her first book, Faith Food Family, is available now from Iaconagraphy Press!

Things I can admit about myself: I am a worrier. If I am not worrying, I worry that I am not worried. I have, for a long time, refused to accept the good things: I was conditioned that if I had a moment of joy, something would happen to ruin it. I was a self-curser, and with the book baby on its way and my best friend, editor, and publisher counting on me to make it “magickally delicious”, I had to start working on accepting the good in my life.

So I decided to follow the example of that best friend, who has been a Tarot reader for over 30 years, and work on a spread for the year. I took some quiet time to meditate on what my goal was: to have a forward focus and work on things in my life that challenge me one year, one month, one week, and one day at a time. I pulled the twelve cards, laying them out and taking notes on each, entering them on spare pages for my little planner. I photographed each card so that I could print them and include them with each monthly focus, so that I could work toward setting and meeting goals. That sounds pretty good on paper, except for one issue: I had a complete and utter panic attack over the year ahead, seeing cards like Poverty (5 of Pentacles), terrified that I am doomed to loose my job, my home, my income, or have some catastrophic event that may cripple me financially. I was already living in doom and gloom.

For each month, I was determined to let the card set the goal, but even moreso, create a flow of changes, month to month, that would block any self-fulfilling doom. The first card is for May, my birth month and a great place to start a year of magickal self improvement. That card was Death, reversed. With some time talking things over with my Beloved, I arrived at a focus on the deeper lesson this card was asking me to work on and that made it a lot less frightening. Death (Change) does not scare me. Upside down, well that was a clear and real reminder of what I have been working on since reading the Art of Asking by Amanda Palmer. What am I holding onto that does not serve me both physically and emotionally? May is my “purge” month: spring cleaning. So that was a first goal. I have a lot of stuff I do not use, and it hinders my ability to use things that I need. I have a lot of shoes, so, yup, some of those are going, because, despite my partner’s swooning over how cute those purple suede boots are, I don’t wear them, I am not going to wear them, and they need to be re-homed. (If you are a size 8, you may want to hang around, because there are going to be some boots walking out the door!) Yet, getting rid of stuff is not as big a challenge as the invisible baggage I carry around. Self-doubt is a monster that haunts me, and with my book baby going out into the world after a year of hard work, well-laid foundations, and Kitchen Witchery, there is a lot of self-doubt. I have so many people that have loved and supported me. I just need to let this book child go out on its own, as I did with my birth children. They are doing pretty great for themselves and have been really good to their book sibling.

The real biggie is that Poverty (5 of Pentacles) card looming in the distance of August, screaming at me that I will fail; that I will loose everything; that I am not worthy of anything good. Maybe I shouldn’t have done an entire year out? Maybe I should try again? Do another draw? Get professional help? Or maybe I just need to stop being resistant to the flow of time and make the changes I need to make and know I have the magick, the foundations, and the ability to make, and then move forward: day to day, week to week, and month to month, doing what the cards are telling me to do. The cards are telling me to do the damn work. Stop being so literal? Stop being my own harbinger of doom? Make changes now to change the flow? All of the above. It is okay to look ahead, as long as we do not live in that ahead; sure, get ready for that ahead, but don’t miss the now!