Loyalty is Earned

 

A friend himself shall prove a friend,
To these and thus a friend;
But [to] his enemy no man owes shelter
Friends to friend be true.
–Havamal 43, Connla Freyjason Translation

Yet, how does one define who is the enemy? Based on the words of the Havamal, one may arrive at this concise definition, included in my poem for July 11 in my new book, Blessings of Fire and Ice:

But there is no crime
In sealing shut the door
To those who have likewise slammed
The door on you;
To those who have turned their backs
On you in your time of trouble;
To those who refuse to understand
The heart that beats inside your chest,
Or the mind which thinks inside your head,
And, therefore, refuse to hear you;
To those who would likewise
Slam the door on other fellow humans.
Loyalty is earned.

Nine times out of ten, if a person is treating you this way, on a personal level, they are also treating others in the same manner. If they will do it to one person–you–then they have the capacity for doing it likewise to other people. Many of these people sport a Christian facade, expecting those whom they treat in this manner to obey the conventions of “polite Christian society”, and perpetually “turn the other cheek” and “forgive seventy-times-seven”. Those are the parts of “their book” that they want you to know about, and expect you to obey. Except that’s not all “their book” has to say about people who behave like that, either. 

Most of us were not born Heathen/Heidhrinn or Pagan; most of us were raised Christian. And in the course of that raising, many of us were conditioned to behave in ways that maintained that Christian facade and counted as “proper” behavior within “polite Christian society”. It is in an effort to rewire that conditioning that I provide the Biblical quotes these people don’t want you to know about. I think you will be shocked by how readily they mirror the teachings of the Havamal:

“If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, leave that home or town and shake the dust off your feet.”–instructed by Jesus, Matthew 10:14 (New International Version)

Don’t be naive. There are difficult times ahead. As the end approaches, people are going to be self-absorbed, money-hungry, self-promoting, stuck up, profane, contemptuous of parents, crude, coarse, dog-eat-dog, unbending, slanderers, impulsively wild, savage, cynical, treacherous, ruthless, bloated windbags, addicted to lust, and allergic to God. They’ll make a show of religion, but behind the scenes they’re animals. Stay clear of these people.

–2 Timothy 3:1-5

In other words:

To his enemy, no man owes shelter. –Havamal 43

Yet, courtesy of that other “Christian-conditioning”, most of us have a really hard time giving ourselves permission to close that door, shake the dust off our feet, and steer clear of such people. Instead, we still speak towards forgiveness while bearing the weight of their continued abuses. Yet the Gods have given us permission already, whether we’re listening to Odin, or Christ. Why do we continue to allow our own permissions (or lack thereof) to outweigh those of the Gods?

Making a clean break can hurt, and often does. Humans, like any other animal, tend to try to avoid pain, whenever possible. Perhaps we believe it will hurt more to make the break, than to continue to sustain such abuse. “Better the Devil we know”, after all, right? Or perhaps it is because dwelling in that pain gives us some sort of triumphant rush of “dish it; I can take it”? But how much are we willing to take before we realize there is no triumph whatsoever in continuing to be beaten down?

I’m not saying we should not try to salvage frith where possible. What I am saying is that when it becomes absolutely clear that such is impossible, we shouldn’t continue to whimper and scratch like desperate dogs at the foot of the door that has been repeatedly slammed in our faces. When we do that, we are neither hurting nor helping the other person; we are only damaging ourselves.

What does it look like? To shut the door? To make the clean break? To no longer offer our enemy shelter?

In effect, it is expressing the same sentiment as Sara at the end of the Jim Henson film, Labyrinth:

“You have no power over me.”

But for the other person to completely lose that power, you must effectively and completely slam the door between you. There can be no further whimpering at the base of that door; no peeks on their profile page at Facebook; no queries of “what’s so-and-so doing?” to mutual friends. Once shut, the door should be impenetrable: no peepholes to look through; no flimsy locks.

We live in a world that puts great emphasis on the powerful good that can come from second chances, but the truth is, some people simply are not worthy of a second chance. They blew it so completely that they are beyond that. What constitutes “blowing it that completely”?

• You have been repeatedly compassionate to the other person; opening the door for them every time they were in need. However, every time you have been in need, they have showed zero compassion and consistently slammed the door in your face.
• When that person has been in pain, in trouble, or in need, you have reached out with your whole heart to make it better. When you have been in pain, in trouble, or in need, they have not returned the courtesy. In fact, they have actively worked to cause you pain, trouble, or need.
• You have worked hard not to judge this person and to attempt to understand where they were coming from, even when they expressed ideals and beliefs that were completely outside your comfort zone or wheelhouse. When you have expressed the fullness of who you are, they have judged you harshly, and made every possible effort to point out where you are wrong, doomed to “go to Hell”, or called you a sinner, or worse. They have likely also worked to turn others against you, based on the fullness of who you are.
• You have watched this person perpetrate these behaviors not only against you, but against others, and the world-at-large.

It is time to listen to the Gods, and give yourself the permission that They already have. Loyalty is earned, and this person has not earned it. Shake the dust off your feet; steer clear; slam the door. Lock it. Revoke their power.

Empower yourself, and the true friends who have proven True.